


there for you

by flowershik



Category: VIXX
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, hakyeon a rich boy, wonshik is a tattoo artist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2019-10-22 07:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17658803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowershik/pseuds/flowershik
Summary: His words caused the other to laugh in his seat, his hand moving to wave it off. “What kind of people do you hang out with that someone being a decent human being makes you question why they're so nice to you?”





	1. ghost

**Author's Note:**

> my word file is called "big suffering" and i think that says a lot about this story.

_~_  
_i like the sad eyes, bad guys_  
_mouth full of white lies_  
_kiss me in the corridor_  
 _but quick to tell me goodbye_

_~_

 

Perhaps it was the coming down part of it, the dry throat or the sickness the next morning. Maybe the guilt that slowly took hold of his entire body in the afternoon afterwards, crawling up from his toes to make his legs feel heavy, drain his energy and motivation to keep going, up to his chest, arms, his head even. It left him dizzy at times, not hungry and running low on energy - all just to get high and be alright with himself and the world for a couple hours before passing out.

  
One of those things –or a combination– had added to him being entirely disgusted.

Disgusted with himself, with his emotions, the way he dealt with things.

With the love of his life.

It had been fun for a while, interesting even. The fact that he was such a dark, mysterious boy had drawn him in – how had he ever been supposed to resist him when he was just so stupidly perfect in his fucked up way? Tousled hair, always looking inviting for his fingers to curl into, the cigarette between his lips asking to be stolen for a drag. A smile that was heaven and hell both at once and eyes deeper than the goddamn ocean. He was, most likely, the most beautiful and intriguing man Wonshik had ever laid his eyes upon, and while their relationship had consisted of meaningless hookups at first, he had soon fallen for what was behind the bad boy attitude – kind words, caring gestures, sweet promises and kisses so full of emotion they turned his world upside down.

He had been drawn to him, by a force he had never quite experienced before like that. Who cared that they weren't good for each other when the way their bodies fit together was the only thing that made sense at two in the morning when you questioned the whole universe? When the spaces between their fingers were made for each other and their lips could do the talking without words? Hakyeon got him – and Wonshik was his safe haven in return.

But Hakyeon wasn't in love with him. Hakyeon was in love with thin white lines and money bills.

A realization that took Wonshik longer to understand than he would have liked to – had he noticed sooner, then perhaps he would have been able to break it all off, not get so incredibly invested, to not fall quite as deep. Now, though, it seemed almost impossible to let go of him. He was needed here, otherwise Hakyeon might lose touch with reality entirely, but he also needed him. Being apart from each other didn't feel right, left him feeling incomplete as though every time they parted ways, a small piece of him went with Hakyeon.

 ~

"Fuck, get off of me," he mumbled as he shoved at his shoulder, the scent of alcohol hanging heavy between them.

"It's not my fault, baby. Please, she was forcing herself on me." – Words that were slurred, hardly understandable, but also words Wonshik knew weren't true. They didn't hit him all that deeply anymore, at least not in comparison to watching Hakyeon hit it off with some stranger in the dirty bathroom of this club. He wasn't sure why he had agreed to come here to begin with when he knew it wouldn't do any good, it never did anymore these days. If they weren't getting drunk together, they were fighting, if they were getting drunk together, they were either fucking or ruining each other. Tonight, it definitely was the latter.

"Stop fucking lying to me." Wonshik was seething, his words harsh and cold, a tone he barely even registered as his own voice over the muffled music from back inside the club. "I can't even—" he broke off there, suddenly not sure what he had wanted to say anymore. The sight of Hakyeon's beautiful eyes filling with tears broke his heart, made it difficult to breathe even with a heavy weight settling on his chest.

"But I love you, Wonshik. You know I love you." And he did, in moments like these when there was nothing but sincerity in his eyes and desperateness in his voice. Some part of him knew, deep down, that in some weird, twisted way he was loved. That was why this time, he didn't shove him away when he was pulled closer, why his hands instead found the soft leather of his jacket to hold onto and pull even closer as their lips collided. It was like being able to breathe again, like coming up for air after being under water for too long – Hakyeon was like that, curse and cure in one.

For a second, he didn't care that someone else had kissed these lips just a while ago. In that short time span, he could have allowed himself to hope they were going to be okay – because he loved Hakyeon, no matter how bad he undoubtedly was for him. Thinking it, though, made it realer again, a thought that soon took up more of his headspace than he would have allowed had he been in a sober state. His drunk heart though dared to hope, wanted to hope that they could work out somehow.

 ~

It was the morning after that had him once again breaking down. Last night, they had been in love, for the split of a second they had loved each other in ways that went past just the physical aspect that so often seemed like the binding factor that kept them together. Now, though, he found himself on the edge of their bed, wrinkly sheets between them and Hakyeon on the other end, sleeping safe and sound, but looking all but peaceful. He could see his eyes move back and forth beneath his soft lids, dark circles half hidden under the soft shadow of his lashes the midday sun cast on his skin. If he tried hard enough, he could look angelic - but the truth was that nothing about his sunken cheeks and pale skin that had once been glowing looked angelic. Long nights, little sleep, alcohol and drugs had worn him out and Wonshik couldn't help but blame himself for it every day despite the fact that he knew this had been Hakyeon's reality even before they had known each other.

Loving him had felt like an adventure at first, like crossing a 'no trespassing' sign. Then, at some point, he had started to think perhaps if he just loved him hard enough he could offer him a sense of happiness that went beyond what drugs or alcohol could ever give him. He had wanted to become his cure, his salvation, but he had merely gotten caught up in this game, another side quest on Hakyeon's way to happiness. How many more times could he go through the heartbreak of not being enough until he finally, finally gathered up the courage, the willpower, to leave? To walk away from the ghost of the person he had fallen in love with.

But those thoughts were hungover morning thoughts he didn't actually want to think because he knew he couldn't leave him. Not only because he loved and needed him, but also because he didn't think the other could make it on his own anymore. His parents might offer all the money he so willingly threw out the window for brief pleasures and highs that didn't last, but they didn't offer the comfort of arms to fall into after a long day or lips to whisper I love yous against warm skin. Hakyeon had these moments where he could be incredibly caring and loving, but whenever he thought subjectively about it, Wonshik was quite sure he was just another thing the other had gotten dependent on.

Rolling over, he pressed a gentle kiss against Hakyeon's shoulder before climbing out of bed to shuffle over to the bathroom and start a shower. Surely that would help with the feeling of disgust that clung to his entire body. He reeked of expensive alcohol still, his head pounding with every move although the water that soon rained down on his naked body helped with that ever so slightly.

He wasn't sure how long he was just standing there under the hot water, but the sound of something being knocked over in the bathroom caused him to jump slightly and almost slip. "God damn– fuck. Yeon, is that you?" Holding onto the wall for support, he opened the shower door slightly since the steam made it impossible to look through the glass anymore. When he saw a sleepy Hakyeon gathering knocked over lotions he never used anymore, he smiled softly. "You almost made me slip knocking that over," he chuckled while being looked up and down just before he was joined in the shower.

Instead of a reply, he got a kiss that breathed life into both of them again. It was a shower that turned into a bit of an even steamier situation as their kiss deepened and hands started to roam – but it was at once that a blurry picture crossed his mind.

Hakyeon with someone else.

Pulling away, he shoved slightly at him and shook his head. "I can't. Let's just... shower." The change in the other's face was instant, incredibly apparent – and it hurt.  
    "Last night you didn't mind," he said, a small frown forming on his features as he did so. He sounded grim, disappointed almost and it made Wonshik frown in return.  
    "I was drunk last night – besides, I'm not just here so you can fuck me." Although it started to feel an awfully lot like that. It was safe to say though that he wasn't entirely in the mood to stay in the shower with him, which was why he turned to get out when his wrist was grabbed and he was pulled back.

When he looked at him now, he saw a softer expression again, one that was apology enough even without words. "I'm sorry, shit– I know you're not. I'm just, I'm irritated, my head is pounding. I didn't mean it like that." His voice sounded almost honest. Surely his head did pound, but had he really not meant it the way it had sounded? Doubt had long ago been planted inside Wonshik and the seed certainly had started to bloom lately. "You _know_ I didn't." This time, his voice was more pressuring than before, his grip tighter around his wrist.

Wonshik didn't look at him though, his gaze dropped to their hands since he knew he would merely grow soft if he looked into his eyes. "I don't really know what to believe anymore." Saying those words was much harder than it should be, which was why his voice was softer than it usually was, as if afraid that saying them too loudly could hurt Hakyeon even more than saying them quietly. Pulling his hand away though, he was relieved to find Hakyeon was letting go of his hand to actually allow him doing so. A second later, it worried him and his eyes flickered up to his face, only to be met with disappointment.

But what right did he have to be disappointed when Wonshik had been the one to catch him cheating? Again?

"Don't look at me like that. I'm confused. I don't know what to think or believe anymore. I don't know if I can still... do this." The way Hakyeon's expression changed caused his breath to catch in the back of his throat and the courage he had gathered was slowly deflating again.

"But I need you– baby, look, I'm _sorry_ okay? I'll get better and it won't happen again. I'm not going to fuck up again, just, don't leave me. Please. _Please_ , Wonshik." He wasn't reaching out for him now, perhaps afraid of the reaction he would get and rightfully so considering the fact that Wonshik wasn't sure he would be able to stand any sort of physical contact right now. Despite the fact that he was mostly confused and hurt, he gave a soft sigh and rubbed his face a bit, maybe in an attempt to draw out his answer one way or another.

"I wouldn't." But, oh, how he wished he would – to be free again, to get the love he gave in equal amounts back, to not be treated the way Hakyeon was incredibly good at treating him, to not come in second best all the damn time. "I gotta go now, I'll be late..." He swallowed hard, almost scared to escape this entire situation like this. In fact, he didn't think he could escape this situation like this, which was why he added a, "I'll leave you some painkillers and water on the bedside table. Get some rest, yeah? And eat something, even if just cereal." Those words were said with a soft smile in fact, hopefully lifting the awkwardly cold mood between the both of them a bit. Except when Hakyeon once more reached out to him, apparently believing that was okay again, he still jumped away from the touch, still disgusted, still confused.

"Wonshikkie...” Hakyeon whispered, obviously hurt, perhaps even annoyed by how sensitive the other was being, but it couldn't be helped. Right now, all Wonshik wanted to do was run, get as much distance between them as possible.

"I... I'll be back later and bring dinner, yeah?" A nod was all he got but it was enough for him to not have a quite as bad feeling as he got out of the shower, dried his skin off and went to find some clean clothes to put on.

Wonshik fixed up water and painkillers on the nightstand before packing up his bag and dry swallowing two painkillers himself. He could hardly work with a pounding headache, but he hoped it would go away once outside. The fresh air would likely help, so he was quick to slide into a pair of sneakers and put on Hakyeon's leather jacket. His perfume was comforting, left him feeling warm through all his hurt.

By the time he was ready to go, his hair was almost dry, his forehead mostly hidden behind soft, red strands of hair and he could hear the shower being turned off. For a moment, he hesitated by the door, feeling as though he should wait up and make sure Hakyeon would be alright but then he thought that if he was going to wait, he'd just end up staying longer and being even later – and he had an important appointment today.

 ~

It wasn't long before he arrived at his little studio; it didn't look like much from the outside, but it was everything he had worked for in his whole life, all he had. His entire pride. In the scene, he was relatively well known for his work, which was why the outside or the fact that the rent was cheap didn't matter. If the work was great, new customers would keep coming in anyway.

Once you went past the door, you instantly felt welcomed anyway – Wonshik did, at least. There was no trace of how messy their home was; the studio was clean, always tidy and looking as best as possible. When he had started out, he had barely had any furniture or decoration in here, too broke to afford those things hence focusing on the mere necessities. As soon as money started to come in though, he had started to make his idea of perfection become reality. Upon entering, you were met with an open, albeit somewhat dark room, a fluffy rug on the floor where a big, black sofa with equally as black pillows and a small coffee table stood. The walls were mostly left clean, a couple framed photos being the only thing decorating it – some of his art, one or two of himself from when he had done a bit of modelling. It wasn't that he was narcissistic or anything like that, it was simply that the shoot's style worked with the aesthetic of his whole studio.

There was a black counter across the entry, purple, indirect light illuminating it a little. Walking up behind it, he dropped down into the chair and started his laptop since he had forgotten it here yesterday and basically had no idea who was going to show up now. He knew what was going to go on his skin and where, but he had no idea what his name was anymore.

From his point of view, he could see the photo above the couch clearly – it showed himself, before he had known Hakyeon. Silvery blonde hair falling into his face that had been a little fuller then than it was now, liner making his eyes look much more piercing than they were these days. It was kept in black and white, like most of his studio other than the purple light that was a fairly reoccurring theme through it all. His creative colour. It helped him draw up designs and even come up with ideas in general; more often than not, he liked to turn off all the other lights and sit with just his purple lights and his tablet to draw random designs until something good came together.

Typing in his password, he looked up when the door opened and a man walked in – bright smile on his lips and the sun reflecting in his washed out, mint coloured hair, making it seem like he was wearing a halo for the smallest of moments until the door behind him fell shut.  
    "Hi, I'm Jaehwan, you're Wonshik, no? I've heard you work here all on your own– this is way pretty. It doesn't look like anything from outside but– wow, sorry, I didn't meant it like that." Wonshik watched him ruffle up his hair a bit as he stood almost a bit awkwardly in the middle of the room now with his lower lip jutted out slightly, likely afraid he had said something wrong. It didn't help that he couldn't currently find his voice, somehow too surprised by how open and loud he was even though they literally just knew each other in person for about twenty seconds. Open, loud, but oddly adorable all in one. "Please don't tell me I'm wrong here somehow? You are Wonshik, right? I'm sure this is the address I got..." Not all that sure though apparently considering he was currently fishing out his phone from the back pocket of his jeans.

"No, uhm, sorry. Yeah, I'm Wonshik. Jaehwan, you said? I was waiting for you." That was mostly accurate, anyway. "I hope you had breakfast and are hydrated." Everything Wonshik hadn't done so well with today, which was why he reached for a bottle of water to open and take a drink from while Jaehwan nodded and looked around, seemingly took his surroundings in or judged everything, although his gaze ended up on the pictures of Wonshik for a while longer than necessary before returning to him behind the counter.

"It's really nice in here. Honestly, I didn't expect that at all considering–"  
    "Considering how trashed it looks from the outside? Yeah, I know. Everyone kinda says that." Shrugging softly, he got up from his chair now and walked around the counter to greet his customer – Jaehwan. He was going to shake his hand but Jaehwan apparently wasn't too well at judging other people and went in for a rather awkward hug Wonshik didn't return at first until he gave him a little pat on the shoulder.

"Uhm, right. Do you want to watch some show or something while I ink you? It's usually a good distraction from the pain, although arms aren't quite so bad."

Now that seemed to be something that caught the others attention, a strand of hair falling into his eyes as he dipped his head in a puppyish tilt to the side. "Do you know arms aren't bad? Because I've heard you don't actually have any tattoos yourself. It's really weird actually if you ask me but then again, your body your choice and all that jazz." The words were accompanied by a smile, a blinding one that was all teeth and small eyes. It caused Wonshik to smile in return, albeit just softly as he shook his head a bit and gestured for Jaehwan to follow.

"I don't have any tattoos, but that is mostly due to the fact that I know exactly what I want on me and I haven't quite found the tattoo artist to do it for me just yet. It's difficult when you have an image in your head and are incredibly perfectionistic both at once." He was guiding his customer into the room he actually tattooed in – there was a huge chair, shelves with equiptment and a board with sketches he had made, a smaller, rolling chair for himself, a TV on the wall across the chair and some smaller details like action figurines on the windowsill. It was mostly restricted to necessities however since it had to be kept sterile and clean like that. "But you didn't answer my question?" Glancing back over to him, he nodded over to the chair to gesture for him to sit down and get comfortable, basically. There was a rest for his arms on either side, so it was going to work just fine for the placement they had settled on via mail.

"Oh, right! You can just put on whatever for background noise? I'll be happy enough just watching you, though." It seemed it wasn't his first time getting a tattoo if he could tell that watching would be entertaining, which was always a positive thing.

It was perfect, really – Wonshik loved easy customers like that, although obviously the fact alone that he wasn't picky about what to watch or listen to was no indication that Jehwan wasn't generally picky or maybe simply a terrible person to be around. He hoped for the best though and so far, it was fairly promising which kept him in an as good mood as possible after last night and earlier. Handing over some papers for his customer to sign, he prepared everything and printed out a first transfer.  
    "Alright, cool, you might want to take your sweater off since the piece extends to your shoulder and all. I'll disinfect the area and we will place the transfer together so you're happy with how it's sitting on you, there's a mirror for that, too, so you can properly see it. Other than that... If you need a break or something, let me know and we can take a minute or five... I have some snacks and drinks here, so if you're in need of anything, let me know?"

With Jaehwan agreeing, he did actually get started – and doing this first piece of what was supposed to one day become a full sleeve and chest piece ended up being a lot of fun. They did a lot of talking with Wonshik being asked a fair amount of random questions, got to know each other a bit better and realized they had a couple things in common. It wasn't only their love for tattoos and art that connected them, but also the fact that they both enjoyed a good workout. He found out that Jaehwan had a little puppy that he was going to bring with him next time because they both loved dogs to no end. A little cream frenchie, which he was shown a lot of pictures of as well. He was the cutest little guy and some part of him genuinely couldn't wait for the next appointment, although he wasn't entirely sure how that was going to go down just yet. Only because of the dog though, of course. It definitely wasn't because of the way Jaehwan looked at him or the blinding smile he was met with almost every time he looked over at him to make sure he was doing alright. It also most certainly wasn't the fact that his laugh went literally all the way into his body and made him feel warm on the inside. None of that. Merely the excitement for the puppy that would accompany him next time as well as the excitement for the project that was Jaehwan's sleeve.

 ~

It was late evening by the time they finished this session, and Jaehwan paid in cash right away, even offered to help clean up after. Wonshik turned it down though of course, merely made an appointment for in two weeks for their next session. While checking schedules though, he got a call from Hakyeon – and he had long learned that leaving him waiting after a day at work wasn't the best, so he gestured for Jaehwan that he had to pick up here before turning away from him to actually do so.

"What's up, babe? I'm about to come home," he said softly, actually looking forward to grabbing dinner and enjoying that with his boyfriend. Maybe they'd even get the chance to actually... well, talk about what had happened last night without getting high or drunk about it. Wonshik dared to hope that this time it would be different, the spark turning into the tiniest, smallest flame of hope.

"I just wanted to know when you're home again, I'm– I've been waiting." The sound of his voice was reproachful, and Wonshik lost any last hint of a smile as he looked at the clock on the wall.

"Look, I know, but you know I had an appointment that would take a while. It's not like I–" He was cut off there with Hakyeon snapping at him, "How can I know you're actually at work? It's not like I can check on you or anything. Do you expect me to just believe you after the way you left this morning?!" Wonshik wasn't sure why his voice sounded so unfamiliar and high-pitched, why he would accuse him of lying and cheating or whatever he was currently imagining he was doing. But then something clicked, and he sighed.  
    "What are you on?" No answer, just breathing on the other end. "Did you pop pills again? Shit, Hakyeon, don't hang up on me—" But the line was dead already and all he could do was slowly lower his phone and stare blankly at the wall while resisting the urge to throw his phone across the room. If it scattered instead of the hope he once again so uselessly had felt, then maybe he wouldn't feel as miserable, wouldn't feel his insides scattering into a million pieces but hear the glass of his screen break instead.

"I'm– I'm sorry, are you okay?"

It was a soft voice that shook him out of his focused breathing, and he found himself blinking a couple times to get rid of the hurt, angry tears that had started to dwell up in his eyes. Right, Jaehwan was still standing there, at this point likely feeling more awkward than when he had stumbled in here a couple hours ago. But Wonshik couldn't hear him properly, only registered that something had been said and tried to focus on the current situation, forget for just a moment about the one that awaited him at home before he crumbled and broke down right in front of a customer.

"That sounded... rough to say the least." This time, Wonshik heard him loud and clear, the words pulling a weak chuckle from his lips as he turned around and placed his phone firmly on his desk.

"That is the fucking understatement of the year–" but be broke off, realizing that Jaehwan was his customer, not a friend. "I'm sorry, that was unprofessional. I can... An appointment, right. You said Thursday in two weeks? Does ten work for you?" He was running on autopilot, his thoughts only circling around the fact that he couldn't, shouldn't talk about what had just happened, his movements and face stiff because if he messed up one small detail, this would likely turn messy and he couldn't afford to lose such a big customer.

Jaehwan, though, wasn't having it. He nodded the appointment off and waited for Wonshik to write it down in his planner, but once that was done, he rested his arms on the counter top and leaned slightly forward. "Listen, I know we don't really know each other but if that was your significant other, which it sounded like, and they treat you like that, then you definitely deserve better. You're a good person, don't let them drag you down. You were smiling all day here, but a two minute call left you entirely in shock and that's... not right. You're too smart to not realize that."

All he could do was blink at the other male, half confused, half thrown off. Was he supposed to appreciate that? Be offended? Maybe protect Hakyeon from such harsh words? But Jaehwan was right, he was too smart to not realize it, but he wasn't smart enough to actually cut ties and leave the situation – because his heart was too caught up in the mess Hakyeon was... Because Hakyeon was too hung up in the mess that Wonshik could be.  
    "I'm... sorry, I think you should go now. I have to go home, too. I'll– I'll see you in two weeks?" By then, this was hopefully something they both had forgotten one way or another. He didn't necessarily want to be the person with a terrible relationship and possibly be asked awkward questions of some sort since Jaehwan seemed incredibly straight forward and all.  
    "Okay, fine. But if you want to talk or something, feel free to call me up since you have my number. You probably have better people to talk to, but sometimes talking to half a stranger is much nicer than talking to a friend. See you in two weeks?" He gave Wonshik the brightest smile, although there was a hint of sadness – nothing anyone would see unless you truly were close to Jaehwan, unless you actually knew his face and had studied his expressions. Nothing that applied to Wonshik, hence he entirely missed that, merely waited for the man to leave his tattoo studio so he could pack up and head home as well.

 ~

His skin was crawling when he arrived home. He was only standing in front of the closed door that lead to their apartment in a fancy building that Hakyeon's parents had once bought for him. It was one of the top floors, offered an amazing view and was literally perfect. Except with their lifestyle, it didn't make any sense at all. He knew that when he opened the door, he wouldn't be met with stylish, clean furniture and a boyfriend that was waiting for him, who would welcome him back home from a day of work. Instead, what awaited him was discarded clothes and random objects scattering the floor and surfaces, Hakyeon probably just laying in bed or on the couch, dressed in only shorts, if at all, anger on his once so angelic features.

Wonshik leaned in, rested his forehead against the cool door as if to gather the strength to enter the place, Jaehwan's words not quite leaving his head. 'You are too smart to not realize that.' Sure, he did realize how wrong and messed up all of this was, however that didn't mean that he could simply let go of Hakyeon when he truly loved him. But the love he felt didn't dim his revulsion, the sickness that built in the pit of his stomach when he finally, finally typed in the code and opened the door to enter.

It was quiet. Eerily so, to the point where a shiver ran down his spine as he pushed the door shut behind himself. That was when he started to be afraid – what if Hakyeon had done something to himself? If he had overdosed or done something else stupid while high? His heartbeat quickened, pounded fast against his chest. It felt as though it could break his ribs any moment, but he couldn't move, his legs heavy with fear. "Hakyeon...?" His voice was barely a whisper, voice higher than it should be.

If he had been heard in the living room, that would likely be a miracle already; so he cleared his throat, swallowed hard and tried another time, this time slightly louder albeit still out of tune, "Babe? I'm ho..." The shattering of glass had him break off, caused him to jump out of his stiffness and even though his brain wasn't quite able to catch up, his legs started carrying him towards the source of the sound, half afraid of what he might find. What he walked in on when he made it to the kitchen was merely a broken glass as well as honey coloured liquid on the floor. No sign of his boyfriend, only an empty bottle of whiskey on the kitchen counter.

Venturing farther into the apartment, he checked the bedroom and finally the bathroom, where he found Hakyeon cowering in front of the toilet, arm resting on it and his head on his forearm while throwing up. "Fuck, what have you done? Are you okay?” Dumb fucking question, Wonshik – it was obvious how Hakyeon was everything but okay, and he moved over to him to sit down on the edge of the tub, a hand moving to the other's shoulder, offering gentle rubs. He wished this would be a first, wished that he didn't know that calling an ambulance was useless, wished he didn't know that just being there for him right now was what he needed.

When had his life taken such a terrible turn? And why was the urge to drown out this entire reality with alcohol dwelling up inside him? It were angry tears that blurred his vision as he leaned in to kiss the top of his head. “I'm gonna get you water, okay? I'll be right here with you in a second.” The fact that he was throwing up was a good sign – it took at least some of the alcohol out of his system, maybe some of the drugs he had most definitely taken earlier at some point as well. For now though, he simply went to grab a bottle of water from the kitchen as well as fresh clothes, boxers and a shirt, from their closet before returning and starting a bath.

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself...” It wasn't anything he expected an answer to – he knew he wasn't going to get one, knew that there likely wasn't one that would satisfy him, either. As he returned to his former seat though and opened the bottle for Hakyeon who was just hovering over the toilet now with his forehead still against his arm, he nudged it gently against his upper arm. “Come on... we need to get some water in you, love. I'm sorry I was gone so long... It's all my fault...” He could have stopped him had he been here, but he hadn't, had left Hakyeon like he didn't deserve all of his atten–...

_You're too smart not to realize that._

Fucking Lee Jaehwan.

“Shh, slow,” he managed to get out while trying to drown out that annoying voice in the back of his head as Hakyeon scrambled to get up a little, sit up straighter before resting his head on Wonshik's thigh, eyes closed.  
    “I missed you.” His voice was weak, a little rough through the strong liquor downed and cigarettes smoked. These were moments he cherished, though – no yelling, no anger, just honest, raw emotion.

But... was that really what this was, ultimately? Was this the best he could get?

Wiping a stubborn tear away that currently made its way down his cheek, he reached out to flush the toilet before resting a hand in black, messy curls. “Drink something... We'll get you into the tub and then bed, okay? I'm not going anywhere anymore. I'm here with you. I always am when you need me.”

 ~

It was about an hour or so later that he had managed to get Hakyeon into bed, tucked in and dozing off with hopefully enough water in him to be somewhat hydrated through it all. He was laying in bed with him, obviously, the other nestled up against him for comfort. It was too early for Wonshik to sleep really, but he was trying to spend his time sketching on his tablet, figuring out some new designs for tattoos he could do – except his mind was blank, his screen a mess of black circles and random scribbles that left barely any white space in between anymore.

A great description if anyone would ask him to explain the emotions he felt.

They were a mess, start to finish and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.


	2. chained

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh. so this chapter cointains physical violence. nothing too bad, but it's always good to give a warning, right?

_~  
_ _winged or chained_   
_i ask you would you have stayed_   
_did i hold you too tight?_   
_did i not let enough light in?_

_~_

 

It didn't seem all that long until one, and finally two weeks passed for Thursday to roll around. For Wonshik, they had been rough weeks despite the fact that he had been able to occupy himself with work. In fact, he cramped his schedule a lot tighter than he usually would have, merely to stay away from home for a bit longer. Sure, that certainly didn't make things easier at all, especially since it seemed to make Hakyeon more suspicious with every day that passed. What else was he supposed to do though when everything was falling apart and the only thing that really gave him comfort was the buzzing of his tattoo machine? His creativity wasn't flowing the way it usually did, but the work he had already planned out and prepared was going incredibly well... Mainly since it was just inking what he had already created, nothing that really required him to come up with anything new.

Today was somewhat different, however. He'd had a fight with Hakyeon last night, a big one that he hadn't been able to simply ignore and move on from like he usually did. Either that, or perhaps he had simply started to really, _really_ be tired of the bullshit he had to put up with. Something had changed, that was clear as day despite how badly he wanted to fight that.

Last night had been another long one in a row. The difference was that he had come back to his studio, had drunkenly crashed on his couch because the thought of sharing the bed with his boyfriend made his skin crawl with disgust. Wonshik wasn't looking for comfort in drugs but found it at the bottom of a tequila bottle, in the safe haven his studio was to him. The change in schedule was bound to cause his day to start off delayed and wrong – instead of being woken by his alarm, it was someone calling him.

Going from sleeping to actually realizing that took a while; five calls to be exact. But it wasn't a number he recognized yet alone had saved in his phone, which had him squint at the screen for longer than necessary before picking up.

“Mh? Hello?” There was a relieved sigh on the other end of the line, and Wonshik moved his free hand up to run through sleep mussed hair before rubbing his eyes a bit. Shit. His head was pounding and – what time was it even?  
    “Oh my god, did you just get up? I'm sorry, did I get the time for my appointment wrong? I'm sure I saved it correctly, I'm in front of the studio, should I come back later? Because I-”

“Who the fuck is this?” Wonshik interrupted not all that kindly, genuinely confused since his brain was unable to catch up that quickly. It was definitely too early; or perhaps it had been too late last night. Maybe both… In fact, probably both.

“Uhm, it's Jaehwan. I have an appointment today?” It was more a question than anything else. Obviously someone wasn't all that sure anymore, likely had gotten insecure by having woken the other. Professionals would remember appointments and not sleep through them, so this had to be his fault, no?

Wonshik, however, suddenly sat straight, half shocked as he pulled his phone away from his ear in order to check the time, curses leaving him under his breath as he scrambled to grab last night's shirt to pull over his head while heading to the door. At least he had remembered to lock it last night.

Opening it, he was looking at a confused Jaehwan who was looking at his phone, perhaps thinking the connection had broken off or something. “Hi,” he greeted him, a sheepish smile appearing on his lips. He probably smelled like a minibar, but he still stepped aside to let the other in, who reluctantly entered while blabbering about how he had no idea what was currently going on. He wasn't actually listening as he went to find some painkillers and a bottle of water but tuned in when he heard his name.

“'m sorry, what?”

“Wow, you really did have a rough night, huh?” He wasn't sure how he was doing it, but Jaehwan managed to look like the fucking sunshine personified while asking that question. Slim fingers gestured to the couch first, then to Wonshik's overall appearance which, truly, wasn't the way he usually presented himself in front of customers. Or anyone, for that matter. When he didn't get a reply though, something in his expression changed and one could see concern growing on his features.  
    “Oh shit, you didn't even go home, did you? You're making it really difficult for me to not get all caught up in your business... My offer still stands, you know? If you want to talk or something.” As he said that, Wonshik thought his voice changed from annoying to… kind. A type of kind he couldn’t entirely deal with though, so he focused on something else.

That being said…

Wasn’t it fantastic that apparently the phone call he'd had with Hakyeon last time wasn't anything either of them had forgotten? That didn't necessarily make things easier, did it? He remained quiet, chugged down some more water before grabbing a snickers bar to shove into his mouth. Unhealthy breakfast was better than no breakfast and it wasn't as though he had much more than random snacks here. “Let me just clean up real quick,” he mumbled around half a mouth full while starting to do just that.

Jaehwan seemed fairly okay with all of this, went to sit down on the couch that was soon cleared of a messy blanket and a sweater. “I wasn't wrong about my appointment at all, huh? You really slept through it.” His voice gave away the cocky smile that showed on his lips without even having to see it, but he seemed to be ignored altogether. Wonshik was busy enough cleaning up, shoving things aside and going to brush his teeth. At least spending much time here had made him bring over everything needed for basic hygiene. Something that truly came in handy now – even if he still looked trashed. He washed his face before leaving the bathroom, hoping he would look a little less hungover altogether but most definitely failing in the end. Oh well, worth a try.

“Okay, I'm really sorry, you kinda caught me off guard there. Had a shitty night, but I'm totally ready to continue the tattoo.” That much was true – sure, he would need another moment, but by the time they would start, he was going to be fine.  
    “I thought... You really look like you might need some coffee and breakfast. Do you want to grab a bite before we get started? There's this really cool place right around the corner it's-” Wonshik tilted his head to the side as he listened, his brows furrowing slightly. It caused the other to stop mid-sentence and tilt his head in the same direction. The difference was that Jaehwan immediately looked like a puppy, lower lip slightly jutted, eyes wide. “What? Are you trying to tell me you don't like breakfast or coffee? Because I'm not buying that.”

Those words had him frown ever deeper before he shook his head and went back to a mostly natural expression. “I-... It's not that, I just don't get why you're so nice to me.”

His words caused the other to laugh in his seat, his hand moving to wave it off. “What kind of people do you hang out with that someone being a decent human being makes you question why they're so nice to you?” When he didn’t immediately get a reply, his face turned much more serious again, a brow slightly raised. “Seriously, I’m just being decent. That, and I really don’t want you to accidentally fuck up my tattoo just because you’re sleepy or your head hurts or something. Come on, I’m paying. What do you say?”

It wasn’t a money issue though – he hoped it wouldn’t come off in such a way. He made enough to pay his rent, his material, and still live perfectly okay even without Hakyeon’s money. Still, who was he to turn down an invitation to breakfast when his stomach was grumbling? That was the only reason he finally nodded in agreement, ignoring each and every talk about the kind of people he surrounded himself with and instead put on the shoes he found in the corner of the room, laying forgotten next to a flower pot.

“Sure, show me that fantastic place you’ve mentioned, then.”

 ~

And fantastic it was – Wonshik actually started to question himself. It had been a while since he had opened his tattoo studio, yet he had never before been or even heard of this place. From outside, it was merely a simple café, though once you entered you were welcomed by the sweet scent of pastries and coffee. A mixture he liked quite a lot, one that made his stomach rumble even more. It was cozy, too, a lot of plants and light wood, even some fairy lights to give it that little something. None of this was his thing, but it suited Jaehwan very much and maybe, just maybe, that could be enough for now.

At first, they simply sat down, he allowed Jaehwan to order something to eat for him since he was a little overwhelmed with the options he had, but ordered a coffee along with it just like the other. There wasn’t anything he wanted to currently talk about, merely ended up stuffing his face with buttery pastries. Nothing he would usually eat, especially not given the time, but seemingly everything he had needed to get into a somewhat better mood, if nothing else. He didn’t even mind that Jaehwan kept talking about random things. He hadn’t really listened in the beginning, but eventually he tuned in to stories about his dog, it seemed – which caused him to perk up ever so slightly. Something that apparently didn’t go unnoticed considering he got a smile in return.

“Didn’t you say you’d bring your puppy?”

“Oh, you remember?” His head dipped to the side as he asked that, apparently amused by the fact that out of all the things he had talked about, it was his puppy that caused a response. “I wanted to bring him, yeah, but he’s with my parents at the moment.”

Wonshik nodded slowly, returning to his remaining coffee that was merely lukewarm by now. But it didn’t bother him, he still sipped it carefully until he finished it, food already eaten up.

Jaehwan seemed to sense his disappointment, offered a smile though. “You know, that just means I’ll have to come around again and bring him next time for real.” Yes, it had been obvious from the start that they wouldn’t be able to finish their little tattoo project in two sessions but hearing that there was another chance to meet the puppy was something that cheered the redhead up all the same. Something that Jaehwan seemed to enjoy for some reason. Perhaps simply because he himself was generally a fairly positive, bright person – perhaps because he didn’t enjoy seeing his tattoo artist sad.

“You’d better hold up your end of the promise this time around,” Wonshik said, this time with a genuine smile on his lips. Sure, it was small, but it was there and that counted for something. “I guess we should pay and head back, huh? Your tattoos aren’t going to just magically tattoo themselves onto you, after all.” Even if, right now, he wouldn’t have minded that.

 ~

They ended up paying – Jaehwan invited him, just like he had said earlier – and returned to his studio not much later. When he entered this time, his chest felt a lot lighter, his head wasn’t pounding anymore, and he was convinced they were going to have a good time very much like during their first session.

It did very much go that way, too. Except they went at it a lot longer, took a couple more breaks for water and snacks while talking about everything and nothing. Wonshik grew comfortable like that with the other, whether he realized it or not. During the whole session, Hakyeon didn’t cross his mind even once, until…

“Shikkie?”

The voice caused him to freeze up in his position, tattoo machine buzzing in his hand but hovering above Jaehwan’s skin, eyes going wide. No. No, no, no, this wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening.

He got a concerned gaze, but it went unnoticed as he turned the machine off and set it aside, seemingly just in time for his boyfriend to barge in.

“Why the fuck haven’t you been home? I’ve tried to text you, call you, _reach_ you somehow, but you’ve been, what, ignoring me? Are you seeing someone else now that you don’t even dare coming home anymore?!”

For once, it wasn’t possible to tell whether he was drunk, high, or stone cold sober, but the tone of his voice sent a shiver straight down Wonshik’s spine. He wasn’t angry or mad, wasn’t yelling. No, those things were things he could deal with by now. It was when Hakyeon went calm, practically quiet, that he started to worry.

To be afraid.

“Is it him?”

“Hakyeon, please-“

It was useless to try interrupting the older male, which was when Wonshik realized he was sober. _Too_ sober, craving a high he couldn’t have right now for whatever reason, unable to be in charge of his emotions, yet alone his actions. “Is he fucking you good?” he sneered, eyes shifting to Jaehwan and back to Wonshik. “You know nobody can have you the way I have you, _right_? You just need to come back home with me right now.”

Not anyone would realize, but Wonshik clearly heard the threat in that. It wouldn’t be the first time Hakyeon got physical either, though he always regretted it after. That didn’t make up for it, but it made it hurt a little less, at least.

“I’m not cheating on you,” he pressed on, a weak attempt to wake the other up from whatever he was currently dreaming up. Moving from his chair, he got up and walked over to him. This wasn’t anything Jaehwan had to see or hear, it was awkward enough that he had witnessed this much. But before he really reached the other, Hakyeon stepped up a bit farther, his hand faster than Wonshik’s reflexes right now and all he felt was a blow to his cheek.  
    “Don’t _lie_ to me.” Even now, his voice was perfectly calm, but he was seething and any wrong step would likely set his anger off completely at this point. It was one of those moments where Wonshik didn’t doubt Hakyeon could beat him half dead given the right circumstances, the right words to bite back. Especially given how irritated he was from coming down from whatever high he had been on last.

Losing the high feeling was always hard – perhaps that was how he justified it.

“I’m not… I- why would I lie to you?” His voice was weak, a hand holding his cheek half in shock. It was hot under his touch, flushed most likely and… _wet_? Was he crying?

Crying was usually the last straw, the one thing that would make Hakyeon see reason again no matter how angry he was – yet it wasn’t anything that he particularly enjoyed. Yes, it got him out of even more trouble, but it was _pathetic_. How often had he already promised himself not to cry anymore because of him?

Today was different in many ways though, one of them being that those tears seemed to only make him angrier.

…another one being that before Wonshik was able to do or say much else, there was someone else – Jaehwan – pushing himself between the pair. It wasn’t all that difficult considering the younger had backed away after being hit, as though the force from it had caused him to stumble back.  
    “Dude, back the fuck off. What kind of asshole hits his own boyfriend?!” Every and any joy had left the male’s face as he looked at Hakyeon, seemingly waiting for him to make a wrong move. Here was the thing, though – Jaehwan had a couple centimetres on the other, was slightly broader. If it came down to it, he would win a physical fight with ease.

Not that Wonshik would allow anything like that to happen.

It was with a weak attempt that he tried to push past the other, tried to take care of this situation himself, but Jaehwan reached out with an arm to stop him, his gaze still fixated at Hakyeon as if saying _try me_.

Hakyeon just scoffed, a cold gaze shifting from Jaehwan to Wonshik behind him. “Don’t you fucking dare come crawling back to me,” he spat, turning around on the spot and storming out of the tattoo parlor without hesitation.

“Hakyeon- please.” This time, he did push past Jaehwan, who seemed glad about his little win, then confused about why any person would run after someone like that. But he didn’t know their relationship dynamic, had literally interfered where it wasn’t his place to, so he… didn’t question it, this time around.

“Fuck, wait. I beg you.” Tears were running down his cheeks without him being able to put a stop to it at this point, a pathetic sob shaking his shoulders. “I would never cheat on you, Yeonie…” It was outside his studio, out on the street, that he finally caught up with him, a hand reaching out to grab his wrist and make him stop, make him _listen_. Because, yes, he was upset, hurt, and disappointed – but being left wasn’t an option, was it? _Breaking up_ wasn’t an option.

Hakyeon turned around but pulled his hand out of the other’s grip, eyes dark with anger when they met Wonshik’s. Maybe he wasn’t thinking, maybe his thoughts were clouded, but he surely wasn’t thinking _clearly_ when he used his now free hand to grab the other’s collar and pushed him back against the house Wonshik’s studio was in, their noses almost touching. “You _disappeared_ , without texting or calling me – to fuck someone else?! Don’t beg for forgiveness from me, you pathetic asshole.”

When his back met the wall, his breath was literally knocked out of his lungs, hands trying to curl into the leather of the older male’s jacket, too weak to really hold on though. Those words were followed by the sound of his heart breaking, cutting open his chest to leave him to bleed out. His mouth opened, but words failed him – maybe that was it, then. Hakyeon breaking up with him. He was pushed yet a bit harder against the wall before he was let go off,  
    “Be thankful I’m letting you off the hook this god damn easily. You don’t fucking deserve it.” The words reached him through water, the other’s blurry silhouette receding and with it, the strength in Wonshik’s legs.

He was ready to just be left there, cower on the floor and cry – but at one point or another, he felt arms pulling him up to his legs and guide him back inside. The touch had made him flinch away at first, but he was too weak to put up an actual fight, too out of it to question anything and all he could do ultimately, was move along.

The male found himself sitting on the sofa he had spent the night on a while later, his tears having dried up but the shock had all but left his body. Wonshik still felt the stinging in his cheek, one of the very few things that currently made him feel alive. The sting and, well, the aching pain in his chest. There was no way to tell how long he was sitting there staring at absolutely nothing but judging by the way the light came in through the window it was quite a while – an hour maybe, if not more. One thing that didn’t change through it all was the presence next to him.

Only when the couch gave way and the rustling of clothes broke their silence did he slowly snap out of it, sniffling a bit but reaching up to wipe at his cheeks. They felt tight from the tears that had flown and dried, red eyes slowly becoming aware of his surroundings again. It was like his mind had gone entirely blank, but when his gaze finally settled on Jaehwan, who was on his way back to him with a bottle of water in his hand, he felt panic dwell up inside him.

Trembling fingers ran through his hair in a failed attempt to fix his beaten appearance and he took a deep breath as he straightened up slightly. “I’m- fuck. Your tattoo. We should finish that up, right? You won’t have to pay for this session, I’m sorry that… you had to see that.” A smile was added, though it didn’t reach his lips as he did his best impression of being okay.

But the other seemed to see right through it.

“You know, you don’t have to pretend you’re okay around everyone you meet.” Such a simple sentence, yet it hurt his heart all over again as he was offered the water bottle that soon rested cold in his hand. Moving it up, he held it to his cheek, eyes closing for a moment.  
    “We can continue with the tattoo another time, and I will pay the way I’m supposed to. Seriously. Stop being sorry for something that’s not your fault in any way at all. “

Heavy lids fluttered open to look over at Jaehwan, suddenly wishing he could get high or drunk to numb the pain on the inside but realizing in the very same moment that it was exactly that feeling that had brought him here in the end.

It didn’t make sense for his gaze to be met with a soft, yet incredibly warm smile. Perhaps that was the reason he closed his eyes again, a sigh instead leaving his lips. "You're too fucking nice for your own good," he mumbled out, fighting the urge to start crying all over again. He had said it before, but it held even more truth than earlier.

“I just think you pick the wrong people to surround yourself with. I get through life just fine being as nice as I am – but you… well, that wasn’t exactly a prime example for a good relationship. No offence.”

Maybe Wonshik should feel insulted by those words, but deep down, he knew that his relationship with Hakyeon had always been far from perfect. It was being co-dependent more than anything else. In the end, though, the mere thought of breaking up made him want to start crying all over again, except he had no tears left to cry even when he pressed his eyes tightly together. They were burning still, more so when he opened them again to look at the other male, sitting by his side with a never changing smile.

He couldn’t stand it, really. Yet, something incredible happened – he asked for help, in his own dumb way. “Will you let me finish your tattoo? I could use the distraction and I won’t butcher it, I promise.” Why he was promising something that should be obvious was beyond him. Jaehwan seemed to like hearing that however, perked up a bit in his seat – probably glad he got to be of help after all - and gave a reluctant nod. It caused him to nod slowly in return while finally opening the bottle to take a couple sips, the liquid doing well to hydrate him again.

 ~

It wasn’t long after that the two of them were back to tattooing – and as much as Wonshik hated it, he was coming along entirely too quickly for his liking. That wasn’t anything he could help though, the times where he took hour upon hour for a tattoo were long gone and by now, his sessions usually didn’t last longer than a maximum of four hours per person.

Tattooing Jaehwan was incredibly easy, too. Even now, when every other moment tears were daring to dwell up once again. He was quiet through most of it, giving a hum here and there in reply when it was required but mostly, the other was talking about anything and everything, just as though they were back at the café. He found himself getting lost in the sound of the other’s voice, sometimes zoning out a bit but tuning back in with every chuckle, every little laughter that occasionally accompanied whatever Jaehwan was talking about.

How someone could be so endlessly positive was beyond him, but in that moment, he appreciated it. Wonshik was sure if it weren’t for him, he would likely just be dicking around at some bar, downing one shot after another. Possibly crying, until he’d have had enough and would have gone back home to… to, _what_? Beg for forgiveness? Try to talk about it once again? Tell Hakyeon he couldn’t live without him?

Yeah, no.

In an intoxicated state though, most likely yes.

“Almost finished,” he interrupted some story about how difficult it had been to pick a name for his puppy, his voice soft but still managing to have Jaehwan turn his head to look over to his arm. Wonshik had done more than the stencil they had placed earlier, seemingly recreated some part of his original, much bigger sketch from memory. Except it was different – slightly so only, but it stood out to him nonetheless.

It was beautiful.

“I can hear you staring all the way to here. Do you not like it?” He didn’t lift his gaze, finished up some last bit of shading and finally pulled away, turned off his tattoo machine and with it its calming whirring.

“You can hear me staring, alright,” Jaehwan grinned but sat up a bit more to properly look over his arm. “I don’t like it.” Despite Wonshik’s falling features, he added a dramatic pause before continuing. “I _love_ it. It’s like the messier your emotions are, the better you tattoo or something.”

“Yeah, right, you’ve revealed my secret. Don’t tell anybody that my business runs on fights with my boyfriend.” His eyes crinkled slightly, the smile on his lips this time reaching them before it fell. “Ex-boyfriend, I guess.”

“Hey, cheer up. I can invite you for food again. I do think you are better off without that guy, you know. Had that feeling from the sta- cold!” he exclaimed, whining a bit when the younger cleaned up the tattoo and took a photo of it to upload on social media, probably.

“Don’t be whiny.” The faintest smile was audible in his voice as he rolled over to a shelf to pull out the foil he used to wrap the tattoo properly. “Same as last time, you can shower with it and leave it on for two to three days before carefully peeling it off. No working out, sunbathing or going to the sauna.” Talking about these things was easy, he didn’t have to think or concentrate to run through the essentials because he said that constantly, to every customer he had – obviously.

Jaehwan didn’t seem to approve of any of this all that much. Clearly, he had hoped to get a different sort of response, considering he had asked about food. It wasn’t necessarily because he was hungry or because he thought Wonshik was possibly in the mood for food after such a day, but because he figured taking his mind off things might be a good thing.

That was why he jutted his lower lip out in an exaggerated pout, “I know all of that, but the one thing I don’t know you didn’t answer. Why are you like this?” He was trying to sound whiney, which worked exceptionally with his pout and wide eyes.

“We aren’t friends, you know?” He could need one, though. “You don’t have to invite me for food or say nice things. You didn’t even have to stay after- after _earlier_. I would’ve understood. It’s unprofessional and generally not cool.” Shoulders were pulled up in a shrug as he reached up to rub his face.

Wonshik had never been very good at putting his emotions into words, so instead of the thank you he should say, he continued to call the other too nice, too kind, waved off any attempt at keeping him distracted. Other than putting ink on him like before, that was.

“We might not be friends, but we could be. I would like to be. So shut up and just take a nice offer, will you?” Despite the words not matching it, Jaehwan was smiling brightly at him as he tugged his rolled-up t-shirt sleeve back into place to let it loosely fall over his arm, almost entirely covering up the tattoo minus the bits that Wonshik had randomly decided to add after he had been done with what had originally been planned for today.

“Honestly, I don’t want to grab food or whatever, I would just like to get drunk and crash on my couch to pretend I’m dead for a couple hours. Maybe cancel appointments for the next week to wallow in self-pity or something. But that’s not a cute look on me, so I will continue pretending I’m okay. You being here and reminding me I don’t have to do that really doesn’t help that process.” That was as real as he would get tonight. As much as he could give the other in hopes that now, it could finally be enough to make him stop digging into things that weren’t his business to begin with.

Unlike what Wonshik had expected though, those words caused him to perk up. “Fine! Let’s go get drunk together, then. I will make sure you make your way back here instead of to – uhm, wherever you and that other guy live? And then I will leave you alone until the next appointment. Doesn’t that sound fantastic, Mr. I’m-too-fucking-stubborn-to-accept-kindness?” His head dipped to the side, a brow raising.  
   “Knock it off, Jaehwan.” Despite his best attempt, his lips shifted into a soft smile. Had he really met someone who was _even more_ stubborn than he himself was?

“So that’s a yes, then?”

Wonshik merely rolled his eyes at that question – changed his mind though and nodded, ultimately. It didn’t really matter anymore that he was wearing yesterday’s clothes or that he looked like he had been crying his eyes out or optionally hadn’t slept in two days. It didn’t matter because despite how incredibly shitty his day had been and how much his heart hurt, he wasn’t lonely for the first time in a very long while.

That alone was progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and making it until here <3


	3. ambush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, hi, i am alive! i hope you enjoy the new chapter!! thank you for sticking around, also thanks to oli for proof reading, you're the real mvp heh

_~_  
_think of what we could have had_  
_matching scars, another drag_  
_we don't_  
_i thank the stars we don't_

_~_

 

 

Wonshik did his own version of calling in sick to work – he messaged his clients to reschedule his appointments, got a week off from work to just get his emotions back in order. He spent most his time drinking away his emotions, drowning his sorrow and heartache in shot after shot. Jaehwan didn’t seem to mind accompanying him, although he never drank more than one drink himself. Perhaps to make sure Wonshik got home safely, or to make sure he wouldn’t pass out somewhere in the streets. Maybe simply because he had a job and needed to get up in the morning, he wasn’t quite sure. A combination, possibly.  
  
It was on the third day that things escalated. Wonshik wouldn’t be able to tell what exactly it was either. His heart still hurt, and he was all but over Hakyeon – you couldn’t just get over someone you loved within three days, especially not after a breakup as messy as theirs had been. He was crying on their way home, barely managing to walk from not being able to breath, sobs knocking out all and any air that would otherwise fill his lungs.   
            “It’s my fault, I should’ve just called him, I-“ his voice broke when he gasped for air, half stumbled over his own feet. He would have fallen, had it not been for strong arms holding him up. “I’m pathetic, I can’t fucking- I…”  
            “Shh.” It was Jaehwan from the side, holding him a bit tighter as if to make him realize he wasn’t alone, if anything. “It’s not your fault. It's his... He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on. You're too good for him.” He always whispered things like that – things that were beautiful, but things that couldn’t be true under any circumstances. Things that Wonshik never remembered in the mornings when he woke up with a headache, water and painkillers ready by his side, Jaehwan gone. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Shikkie.”  
  
Maybe it was the name, the fact that all he heard was Hakyeon’s voice calling him that – like a switch that had been turned on or off, depending which way you wanted to twist it. But he shoved him away, escaped his grip because his touch was burning him from the inside out.  
            "It  _is_  my fault. He's dying, he's– he probably overdosed and nobody's checking on him... Nobody is... He only  _has_  me." The words came out choked as guilt crashed over him like a wave. Not for the first time, but it was the most intense ever since. He loved Hakyeon, was responsible for him, even more now that whiskey ran through his veins instead of blood.   
  
Wonshik wanted to run – to run and find Hakyeon, apologize, make it up to him. Soothe the storm that had built between them and make sure he was okay, no matter the cost. But he could barely hold himself up yet alone speak coherently, Jaehwan struggling to make out his words. Still, he managed to soothe his sobbing, his crying, by just holding him even when he tried to struggle against it. Which he did – shoved and pushed, but to no avail. The feeling of fire on his skin died out, made room for pure guilt to settle at the pit of his stomach. Guilt... but also thankfulness. Eventually, he gave in, returned the embrace and cried against his shoulder until he couldn't even do that anymore.  
  
That's when Jaehwan truly lead him back to his studio where he was currently living. Well,  _sleeping_ , since he spent almost every waking minute trying to avoid the place. It hurt being there while fully conscious. Still, it was home, the only place he'd ever truly  _felt_  at home at least. He let the other half undress him before passing out on the couch, not aware of Jaehwan running his hand through his hair until he truly had fallen into a deep slumber.  
  
  
  
It was always the same when he woke up. A pounding headache, painkillers, water. Sometimes some pastries from the café they'd been to once, Jaehwan always gone – today though, it was different. He woke up to Jaehwan setting down two cups of coffee on the small table by the couch, his makeshift bed. His hair was disheveled but he was dressed, humming ever so softly to himself, likely unaware that Wonshik was awake.   
  
He took that in for a while, his lids constantly closing again as he tried to block out the light that seeped in through the window. "Too bright," he finally grumbled, voice weak and heavy with sleep. But Jaehwan reacted immediately, turned around to flash him a bright smile as he got up to close the blinds. They didn't do too much but helped a tiny bit at least. The effort alone brought the faintest of smiles to Wonshik’s lips, though it was safely tugged away against his pillow.  
            "You're up," he said softly as he came back and sat down on the edge of the couch, offering a cup and painkillers to the other which he thankfully took. The scent of freshly brewed coffee alone pulled a pleased sigh from his lips, his eyes closing as he took a sip to down the pill. It tasted so good, he barely remembered when he'd last tasted something this amazing, as ridiculous as that truly was.   
"Barely," Wonshik finally replied before taking another sip and dropping his head back into the pillow, cup resting next to him on the couch in his hand until Jaehwan took it away, not wanting him to accidentally spill it.   
  
He noted curious eyes on him, but Wonshik didn't care, only wanted the pounding to stop, which was why his eyes remained tightly shut. This time, he was fully aware of the hand in his hair, froze slightly at first until he relaxed with a deep exhale, half wishing it could be Hakyeon's hand. It was that thought he fell back asleep with.

  
  
When he woke for the second time, it was some time around noon and there was no trace left of Jaehwan save the breakfast and his, by now, cold coffee. Still, he thankfully drank it, glad his headache had disappeared for the most part. Wonshik didn't move too much though, stayed curled up in the depths of his couch and half wished for his miserable existence to just end. That would be a lot more pleasant than dealing with all of this, than dealing with the aching in his chest, the burning in his eyes, the heaviness of his limbs.   
  
It made him crave alcohol all over again despite the mere thought of it making him want to throw up. With the craving of alcohol though came the realization that it was numbness he craved more than anything else – drugs, maybe. Only then he wouldn't be better than Hakyeon. And... he was better than him... right?  
  
Groaning softly in frustration, he reached up, palms resting against his face as he rubbed his eyes a bit. He had no idea what had happened last night, never really knew what happened, but he did very much recall Jaehwan being here in the morning when he had first woken up. Usually, he never caught so much as a glimpse of him, but today he'd been here, ran his fingers through his hair, had...  _taken care of him_.

It made him feel guilty more than anything else.  
  
Wonshik wasn't sure how long he laid there like that until he had gathered just about enough energy to move, slowly got up and put on his last fresh shirt and boxers before sliding into last night's jeans.   
  
The truth was, he needed to head back home anyway. If only for clothes, his belongings. He couldn't just leave it all with Hakyeon if they really... if they were really breaking up. Just thinking that brought on a headache again as he tried to suppress the tears that once again dared to spill.   
  
"Jesus, fuck, pull yourself together, Wonshik," he mumbled to himself as he shook his head and headed to the bathroom to splashsome cold water on his face as well as brush his teeth. He looked worse than usual, eyes red and puffed, cheeks sunken in from lack of food he managed to force himself to eat. Hair an absolute mess, still bright red though. He felt gross, for more than one reason but he still did his best to somehow gather the strength, the willpower, to find himself being able to leave his studio and head even just remotely into the direction of Hakyeon's apartment complex. It was against every fiber in his being, every step feeling heavier and harder and eventually, he found himself leaning against a wall, looking up at the sky as he tried to calm his suddenly pounding heart.   
  
He was already taking the long way here, couldn't physically get himself to straight up head there or move at all anymore right now since it was all... too much. It pained him, pictures of Hakyeon yelling at him, hitting him, saying he was  _pathetic_... it was all flashing before his eyes, settled like a heavy weight on his chest and made it incredibly hard to breathe. Oddly enough, his first instinct was to call Hakyeon because he always managed to calm him down, managed to make him realize that none of these feelings were truly real and that he just had to  _focus_.

Gasping for air, he counted in his head – breathed in until four, held his breath and exhaled until four, held it again. Usually, that worked for him if he just tried long enough to properly follow through. Today, he managed. Eyes closed, fingers clenched into fists that slowly loosened again to run along his jeans, focusing on the feeling.  
  
He continued for another while before he opened his eyes again, took in his surroundings. Blue sky, asphalt beneath him which he stood firmly on. The sun shining down on him, warming his skin. Green leaves on trees, swaying slightly in the wind. Wonshik focused on the little things until he felt like a functioning human again, slowly pushing off the building and willing his legs to move towards Hakyeon. Why it was so difficult was beyond him when every piece of him ached to be close to him again... when he wanted him back so desperately.   
  
Some part of him though, a small part, had always wanted this. To be free, to part ways...  _to get better_. But mostly, he just felt the urge to be with him again, to feel his hands cupping his face, his lips against his own, their bodies pressed close with urgency. To feel anything else than the excruciating pain he was now faced with every waking second.  
  
And so he walked. Kept his gaze on the ground mostly, only looked up when he needed to and before soon, he reached the dreaded apartment complex he used to come home to every day. Wonshik needed another few moments until he found himself able to actually head inside, press the button for the elevator and head up to their– to Hakyeon's – floor.  
  
He still had the key, halted in front of the door anyway because he knew he wasn't actually welcome here. Was he even allowed to just... open the door? Forming a loose fist, he brought it up to the door, rested it against the wood before knocking once.   
  
Knocking twice– ready to knock another time as the door opened and his hand fell past it, almost ended up hitting a person.

Hakyeon.

Looking up to meet his eyes, he felt his body freeze. He looked awful; dark circles rimming tired, empty eyes, face pale and exhausted. Wonshik hurt just looking at him, this time not able to suppress his tears.   
  
What he had expected was exactly this though, along with being pushed away, being called names, maybe worse. But what he got wasn't anything like it. No, Wonshik was pulled into a tight embrace that he was unable to return for a moment until he found it in him to wrap his arms around the older male, desperately holding onto him as he half collapsed into him. Despite everything that had happened, it was like returning home from a long, stressful journey and he knew this was where he was supposed to be.   
  
"I'm  _so sorry_ , Shikkie–" Hakyeon's voice was thick with emotion, the tears audible in it and Wonshik could swear his heart was breaking all over again as hands moved up into his hair to guide his head away from the other's shoulder, up to rest their foreheads together and to finally,  _finally_  connect their lips again. It wasn't a pretty kiss – it was needy, rushed, like they were both afraid they didn't have any time. Like they were about to part again. But he had no intention to leave, nothing but the knowledge that he wanted,  _needed_ , Hakyeon in his life prominent in his mind.  
  
His heart rate was picking up rapidly all over again – this time in a more pleasant way though as he was guided inside, knocked the door shut with his leg before he was pushed against the wall. It wasn’t logical or what he had come here for, but it felt  _right_. For the first time in quite a while, it just was like all their puzzle pieces aligned in a way that made sense, lips fitting perfectly against each other, hands and bodies working in perfect unison as clothes fell to the ground one by one.

Was it  _love_ , though?

It felt desperate, tasted like alcohol, and when he came back to his senses laying breathlessly next to Hakyeon in his huge bed, he felt… dirty. Not because their tangled bodies were covered in sweat or because he was craving a shower, but because he kept crawling back to someone who treated him like dirt, who could only love him while drunk or high – or both.  
            “You’re drunk,” he whispered, voice a little hoarse now. He had realized it earlier already, had been so awfully aware of it but falling back into their pattern had been easy – easier than trying to do something about it. “Would you kick me out if you weren’t?” Wonshik was genuinely curious, didn’t think he could bear the answer though. Stupid. How fucking stupid he was for even asking when deep down, he knew the answer.

“I’m not drunk, but we could get high.” Not the answer he had hoped for, though when he shifted slightly to look at the other, he saw a familiar sparkle in his eyes. Once, he had believed that he could cause that – that he could cause joy,  _happiness_  inside Hakyeon, but he had long ago learned that it wasn’t him putting that sparkle there.

Blinking to stop his view from going blurry, he moved to untangle from him. He couldn’t stand being this close anymore, couldn’t stand the heat that felt so, so wrong as he found himself exactly in the same place he had been in a while ago. “How many people did you fuck while I wasn’t here?” No, he didn’t expect an answer. Didn’t  _want_  an answer – the scoff he got in reply was enough to force a chill down his spine. He had fallen for it all over again, hadn’t he? Despite promising himself he wouldn’t, despite having wanted to finally get rid of this whole entire situation. But no, he was weak and stupid and – Hakyeon was right.

He  _was_  pathetic.

“You think you’re so smart, don’t you, baby?” The condescending tone had him shiver as he got up to look for his clothes, finding them scattered along the floor and hastily putting them back on. He didn’t want to listen, didn’t want anything to do with any of this, with Hakyeon anymore. He couldn’t.

_You’re too smart not to realize that._

Yes – he was. But he wasn’t smart enough to simply walk away, his heart betraying him every single time in ways his brain couldn’t comprehend. It was enough now, though. He could no longer bear it and if that meant his heart scattering day by day by day until he would finally get over it, then so be it. He could no longer care, Wonshik no longer had the energy nor the willpower to care.

Grabbing a bag from the closet, he started shoving random articles of his clothing inside, everything he could reach and fit whether it might be of use or not. He was halfway into filling the bag that he felt arms around him – not the strong arms he had fallen into the past nights, the ones that brought him a weird sense of comfort, but arms that were familiar in other ways.   
            "I told you nobody can have you like I do, baby." His breath smelled like alcohol – maybe he'd just taken another sip from a bottle and Wonshik had to fight down a wave of sickness as he was pressed up against Hakyeon's front.   
            "Leave me alone, Hakyeon. I'm not your fucking property." Wonshik's voice was trembling, trying to contain his anger and his tears both. All his words caused was for the grip around him to tighten though before he was turned around, their faces merely inches apart. "I'm serious – leave me alone. Back off." He left no room for discussing this either, this time truly meant it.

Hewas too god damn good for Hakyeon and he would be okay. He didn't need him.   
  
"You don't really want me to leave you alone though, do you? You want to come back to me, always back to me." He said it like he didn't want him here at all, like Wonshik coming back was a nuisance, like he hadn't apologized earlier and told him he loved him.   
  
Hakyeon didn't back off though, remained exactly where he was and Wonshik found anger in his eyes. Perhaps he hadn't expected to be met with the possibility of being left. Perhaps he really had believed Wonshik was desperate enough to stay with him,  _afraid_  enough to stay with him. But as he recalled mint hair and soft skin, bright eyes and an even brighter smile, he knew that no matter what, he deserved better. Logic told him he deserved better, even though his heart was screaming at him to just stay, put the pieces back together and fix what was left of whatever he had once called love.  
  
"I'm done coming back to you. Back the fuck off." He was shoving him now, trying to push past him so he could finish packing up his bag, desperately wanted to leave and get this over with before he changed his mind. Wonshik was damn close to changing his mind. It was miraculously that he managed, went immediately back to packing his stuff, movements rushed, and clothes being balled up without care. He could worry about that later, right now he just needed to get out of here as quickly as possible.   
  
Hakyeon seemed to have something else in mind, though – backed him up against the wall, fingers wrapped so tightly around his wrists that he couldn't help but drop his bag. "I've told you already that nobody can have you like I do, though. You know it's not going to be the same, you  _know_  you're going to come back to me. You  _always_  do." This time, he sounded almost desperate as tears started to pool in his eyes. None of it made sense, his words contracting what he had said earlier, contradicting his behavior.

Yet, they did exactly what they were supposed to do – they hit a spot inside Wonshik that made him go weak.

Well,  _almost_  made him go weak, because he wasn’t the same person Hakyeon had so easily managed to manipulate a while ago. He had thought he was the same, but he wasn’t. His thoughts were different, there was the smallest spark of  _hope_ inside him even though he knew that would end up ruining him in the end, most likely. These tears could no longer stop him from leaving; at least not today.  
            “No. No, it’s over. I’m done.” Struggling against his grip, he shook his head, trying to blind out the fact that Hakyeon was actually crying now, attempting to swallow the fear, the  _guilt_ that creeped up inside him. If he allowed these feelings to take over, his body would become too heavy to keep moving, too exhausted to do so much as try to leave. But he needed to, for himself, maybe even for the other. Maybe  _he_  was the fault in their whole equation, not the drugs, not the alcohol. Maybe it really was him and if he left, Hakyeon would get better again, too.

It was a thought that gave him a bit more strength; enough to finally free one of his wrists from the tight grip so he was able to shove the taller away from him, pushing and pulling, dodging fists, and throwing some punches himself. Doing his best to not listen to the harsh insults thrown his way once more, grabbing his bag and just – running. Towards the door, towards the elevator, towards the exit.

_Away from Hakyeon._

 

He wasn't sure how long he was running – his lungs gave out first though, breath heavy as he once more found himself leaning against a building, bag dropping to the floor next to him. Wonshik couldn't quite believe he had done any of that, wasn't sure whether to cry or laugh. Was he supposed to be happy now? Feel better, relieved even? He truly couldn't tell, guilt weighting him down despite everything. What if he had ruined Hakyeon? But then again, that was probably hardly possible. Hakyeon wasn't his obligation, Hakyeon ruined himself more than Wonshik ever could. At least he told himself so to calm the sickness building in the pit of his stomach.   
  
When he felt his phone vibrate in the pocket of his jacket, his first instinct was to ignore it. There was a chance Hakyeon was calling him and he didn't think he could stand as much as seeing his name on the display – so he ignored the call... until he was called again a couple seconds later, a frustrated groan leaving his lips as he fished out his phone.   
  
_Oh_.  
  
Not Hakyeon – Jaehwan.  
  
Reading the name brought the tiniest amount of comfort and he actually picked up.  
            "Jaehwan? What's up?" Wonshik willed his voice to sound normal, relaxed. Cheerful even, but it sounded forced more than anything else. Anyone who really knew him would be able to tell, however he hoped maybe he could fool the other.   
  
"Wonshik! You picked up!" He could hear the smile in his voice and he closed his eyes to only pay attention to that, allowed it to ground him. "I wanted to ask if it's okay if I stop by the studio with some food? Or if you'd like to come over to my place and we can order something? I don't know, I was just thinking you shouldn't be alone." It had gone like this for the past three days; Jaehwan asking if he could keep Wonshik some company and Wonshik being too much in need of  _someone_  being there to keep him said company to say no.  
            "I'm not in the studio, so... If you text me your address, I'll come around." He wasn't really sure why he agreed – he originally hadn't wanted to get close, to possibly ruin a professional relationship with a client, but it was so  _easy_  with Jaehwan... and easy was something he could use plenty of, at the moment. He hung up after they’d agreed on a time – pretty much just enough for him to get to the address he was texted only seconds later. It worked, though, since it meant company, if nothing else.

Now, he had no idea what he had expected, however as he arrived at a small apartment complex, he was relieved to find it was very different from what he was half used to. There were maybe six apartments inside at max, and Jaehwan's was just on the second floor, the hallways a little run down but Wonshik didn't mind. He long had realized that the outside could easily fool you, which his own studio very much proved. When he was let in, curious eyes glanced around, found a neat, clean apartment that was overall furnished fairly minimal but beautifully all the same. More than the apartment itself, it was a small puppy that caught his attention though, coming up to him and curiously sniffing around his legs. He was two seconds away from crouching down to pet the dog -  _except;_  
            "So what's that bag all about?" It was Jaehwan's voice that interrupted him as he gestured towards his little couch, which caused the redhead to glance down to the duffle bag still in his hand.  _Right_. That had happened just now.  
            "Oh, you know... Just grabbing some fresh clothes..." The hesitation in his voice was hard to miss, but he forced on a smile as he put the bag down on the ground and finally sat down, which seemed to allow the other to get the hint and not ask any farther for now. Maybe Jaehwan knew he would talk whenever he was ready – until then he seemed perfectly fine just offering food and company or a safe way home when he was too drunk to coordinate his legs properly. 

This right here was still different though, Wonshik feeling slightly awkward as the offer of food came up once again and all he could do was nod slowly, this time around welcoming the puppy as he tried to hop into his lap, which he helped him do. He wasn't hungry or in the mood for anything, but maybe if he just tried hard enough, the hunger would come. Until then, he was content enough petting the puppy and... hoping. Because hope was the only thing he had left, even though it was barely any.

 

It was stupid and selfish, but he didn't leave that couch for a couple days, then. Barely managed to move to the bathroom, drink some water, sometimes ate a bite or two, sleep a lot. Wonshik didn't talk to Jaehwan, but somehow he was okay with that through it all. Truly, when Wonshik was awake he wondered why he was even allowed to stay here, wondered when he had gotten comfortable with pillows and blankets and sometimes Butt curling up against his side, wondered when Jaehwan had started leaving him a note whenever he was at work in case his visitor woke up to an empty apartment. Most of the time, he couldn't care, simply rolled over and slept a bit longer since when he was asleep, he didn't have to think about Hakyeon or deal with the guilt, the emptiness inside.

While awake, though, those things weighted him down the longer he was conscious, his mind slowly catching up with everything.

It was Sunday when he woke up to Jaehwan around, making pancakes or some shit in the kitchen. The clattering was annoying, so was the humming and the smell and... was his stomach grumbling? 

Groaning softly, he contemplated getting up for quite a while, eventually did so as slowly headed towards the kitchen.  
            "Oh shit, did I wake you? I'm sorry," Jaehwan mumbled as he took note of the other. "You hungry? I'm making enough for both of us. There's also fresh coffee." As though he had known Wonshik would be up, two cups of coffee ready on the counter. One milky, the other pitch black. He reached for the latter, took a careful sip then a few more. Like coming back to life from a coma – and maybe that's exactly what it was. 

"Fuck, that's so  _good_ ," he mumbled, voice rough and deep from barely talking at all in the past few days. It made Jaehwan chuckle as he flipped a pancake and looked over to him, eyes sparkling and smile fucking blinding. It was his stomach grumbling yet again that broke the silence first, soft laughter filling the air between them and this time, even Wonshik managed a careful smile.  
            "I'm taking that as a yes on the being hungry part." All Wonshik did was shrug while indulging in his coffee, leaning against the counter from exhaustion. It didn't make sense considering how much he'd slept, but at least he had coffee and could look forward to some pancakes right now.

Jaehwan magically managed to fill up the silence again – not drastically, but enough to make them both feel at ease. 

Two cups of coffee and five pancakes later, Wonshik found the strength to speak up, eyes focusing everywhere but Jaehwan. "I'm sorry for invading your space like this. You shouldn't have to deal with me at all and I'm just claiming your couch like it's mine." Fidgeting a little in his seat, he looked down then finally up at the other when he heard a small sigh.   
            "It's okay, Wonshik. I honestly don't mind, it's not like you're bothering me – you were pretty much just sleeping, after all." Jaehwan smiled at him as he spoke and he could tell how genuine those words were.

That... was something he hadn't expected. To be met with kindness like that. Then again, it was Jaehwan after all and so far, he'd only ever shown him a kind side. Whether there were other ones wasn't anything he truly knew, but as of right now, he didn't care to find out. He liked the kind, soft side. It was something he had once seen in Hakyeon as well though, so it made him wary just as much as it made him comfortable in the end. An odd combination for sure, but he hoped that maybe one day either of those feelings would leave so he really knew what he was onto here – whether he was allowed to be comfortable or if maybe being wary would have been right all along.

“I suppose so… it still means a lot.” There, that was his best version of a thank you he could give at the moment, but the words seemed to be understood seeing as they brought a smile to the other’s lips.  
            “Well, you’re welcome. Now come on, go shower. I’ll clean this up,” Jaehwan half grinned, as though he knew how much Wonshik was craving a shower. He badly needed one, too, after sleeping the days away on the couch.

Still, he couldn’t help a joking, “What, are you telling me I smell?” before getting up and smiling softly to himself at the laughter his words caused. He found himself liking the sound a lot – it was light and airy, so full of life at the same time. Genuinely joyful. Things Wonshik hadn’t felt in a while, but being reminded that they existed, that alone was worth a whole damn lot already. It was what kept him going, what made holding on easier; one day, he hoped, he could feel true happiness again as well. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, but... soon.

Perhaps a hot shower was a perfect first step into that direction, just like putting on fresh, clean clothes after drying up with the fluffy towel Jaehwan had laid out for him. He’d even gotten his own toothbrush when he had slept over here the first night; all details that meant the world to him since nobody had done such small things for him in ages. He appreciated them, more than he’d ever be able to explain or dare putting into words. So, naturally, he did the one thing he truly was good at when he came back out of the shower and joined the other in the living room.  
            “You know, I was thinking… I’d really love to finish up your sleeve,” he offered after sitting down next to him, voice soft and testing, almost. "I mean, finish it for real this time.“ He still wasn’t feeling amazing, but he wanted to get back to work even if it meant possibly having Hakyeon burst in again. He needed the tattooing as his outlet, didn’t want to let any more clients wait either and right now, he really wanted to finish up this amazing project.

His suggestion sparked excitement in Jaehwan, who was quick to agree – before changing his mind and asking if it truly was okay for Wonshik – and the care with which he did almost made him want to cry. It was ridiculous, maybe, but he wasn’t used to being cared for, didn’t think he  _deserved_  it, but god did that feel  _good._ So good that one day, he might just finally get used to it. That day definitely was going to be the best of his life.

For now, the best day in his life was this very one. Because he fully realized how much better he deserved, found joy in his work again even if it was more a distraction from the mess that his life was than anything else. It made Wonshik realize though that it wasn’t his entire life; it was his dating life mostly, and really, there were so many people who were single and doing perfectly amazing, he would be, too. Not just yet, but soon enough.

Until then, he was happy enough putting ink under Jaehwan’s skin and making him even more of a masterpiece than he already was without the added tattoos that creeped up from his arm to his shoulder and collarbone.

His, so far, most favourite piece of art ever – not _only_ because it was so incredibly therapeutic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as some of y'all might have noticed i also gave the chapters names, they're all named after songs that somehow reflect the chapter's mood i guess? anyway just a small detail that i wanted to mention dksbdks thanks for making it til here and being patient <3


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